How Do I Support a Friend Who Has Been Sexually Assaulted?
Start by believing. The best way to support a survivor is to believe them. Opening up about sexual violence takes a tremendous amount of courage and can be very difficult to do. How you respond to someone who discloses to you GREATLY impacts their process of healing.
How to Show Support
- Believe them — take their words seriously. Doubt or skepticism can cause deep harm.
- Listen — let them share at their own pace. Don’t push for details.
- Do not dismiss their experience — avoid minimizing or questioning their feelings.
- Allow their emotions — give space for anger, fear, sadness, or relief.
- Do not pressure them to report — the choice of whether to report belongs to the survivor.
- Review options together — offer information about resources, but let them decide what feels right.
- Continue support — check in, stay present, and keep connecting them with help when they are ready.
What to Say — and What Not to Say
Try saying: “I’m so sorry this happened to you.” “You are not alone — I know there are people that can help.” “How can I support you?” “It’s not your fault.” “I’m glad you felt safe to tell me so I can be here for you.” “You didn’t deserve that to happen to you.”
Don’t say: “Why didn’t you just leave?” “Why were you there?” “Were you drinking?” “What were you wearing?” “It’s going to be fine; just move on.” “If it was really a big deal, why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
Remember that there are many different ways people respond in stressful situations — fight, flight, freeze, and fawn are the most common stress responses — and none of them are wrong. How someone reacted doesn’t invalidate what they experienced. And remember that rape is never the survivor’s fault; survivors never “deserve it” for any reason.
Finally, be strong and take care of yourself. Secondary trauma is real. One person can’t be someone’s only support system — it’s okay if you need space for yourself, and it’s okay to help them find a trusted adult, advocate, or counselor who can also support them.
Ready to go deeper?
This post is adapted from the SafeBAE Certified Peer Educator Training — a free, 16-module program from the only survivor-founded, youth-led national organization in the U.S. dedicated to preventing sexual violence among middle and high school students. Become a Certified Peer Educator and help shift the culture at your school.
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